I'M TREATING THIS LIKE LIVEJOURNAL

Your range is just so out of this world! someone says on the TV. I don't care. I have to pee. I'm doing coke I got in the mail on Manuel's book, the ridges in the words help crush it up. I think Meeah Williams was in my dreams or something but I never remember them so who knows. I don't think she likes me but it's okay (read: understandable) because I sent her a super weird DM last year and also it doesn't matter if someone likes me, especially if they're talented. There is only one guy on Twitter I would call creepy but I don't bother him about it because 1) I am a creep and everyone has been very understanding about it 2) I like his tweets and who gives a shit, he's nice to me. I remember one time I sent a porn link to people and god I'm so sorry. I should be on a plane right now, or I guess a toilet since I still have to pee, I'm not going to kidnap Christina Ricci though, 16 or 18 minutes in the movie is when Vincent Gallo finally pees BTW. I should be on a plane right now but I'm not because I took a lot of Xanax last night because the ~emotional pain~ was ~too much~ (my eyes cannot roll hard enough, they have been kicked out of the rave, god my dad jokes are terrible fuck) and so when my gf woke me up and said I had 40 minutes to uber to the airport I just assumed I was fucked, I need at least two hours, and went back to sleep. I'm an idiot. Who the fuck can understand anything in that hypnopompic state? Fuck. I have to pee and everything is too bright because of the coke and there is this oppressive silence and I should've just gotten on the plane, I should not have done the things that are so "me." It's 7:17PM in Littleton and I want to cry but there is that layer of coldness, and I hate. I hate. I was going to say more but that's all there is, I just hate. I never hate others I only hate myself. I don't blame my problems on others. I was pissed about this miscommunication but honestly at least I don't blame my addictions on other people. Do people really do that? Maybe people are just smarter than me and don't explicitly seek out those sorts of things. I always want to know. I learn everything the hard way. It's just always been like that. I'll trust you but I'll never trust your experiences, I need my own. I wrote this at 7:08 and now it's 7:23 so I'm going to pee. Probably. I hate myself and drugs are stupid. Published January 14th, 2020 on her Neutral Spaces blog.