DESIRE IS A QUESTION WITHOUT AN ANSWER

The first time we met, her eyelids were coated in a slick, opaque silver. Caked in glitter. Her eyes weren’t closed, but instead looking down at her arm at the needle she was trying to find a vein for. This club has never had doors in the bathrooms, and I had been coming here for years. Stickers were plastered all over the black stalls. The bathroom’s vanity was a giant, smudged mirror. There was pink powder soap in the metal dispenser. Brown paper towels were crumpled up all over the floor. Chaotic music from the band outside was muffled, but the bass vibration from the noise made the room seem sentient. Her eyes struck me through the doorless frame. “Sorry,” I mumbled, looking awkwardly at the floor, but then quickly back up at her. The girl smirked at me, then drew focus back on her arm, finding the perfect spot. I walked back to the sink to wash my hands. A passionate confection of candy-like perfume, cigarettes and sweat permeated the atmosphere. The room suddenly felt smaller, slightly claustrophobic. I heard a gentle moan from the girl in the bathroom, and shortly after, a zip of a purse. “Come over here,” she said calmly, staring into my eyes through the mirror the entire time I walked towards her. As I walked toward the girl, she licked the blood off the spot from where she had shot up. Right then I wanted her. To fuck her, kiss her. To grab the back of her head and tug her greasy blonde hair. She was in another galaxy. Her euphoria a joke on the world. Selfishly I wanted to be part of her high, to be another substance she could shoot into her arms in the confines of a stall, a designer substance that gave her a reason to make trackmarks up her arms. I wanted her to devour me; I wanted to be something devourable; I wanted to be her worst and most pleasurable addiction. We took the bus to Coney Island. Seeing her in the morning light --not the bus or the club or pissing, she seemed so transformed, like more of a real person, not some product of a city, but a girl. Published in 2020 by Witch Craft Magazine Issue Six. Contributed to this collection by Elle Nash.